The Mystery of the Haunted Vampire

We've moved! Please check out, the new home for our 'Tales of supernatural horrors!'

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

My Plan for Victory in Iraq (A response to Meteor Blades)

Meteor Blades asks an important question: What Would You Do in Iraq? I thought about it on my commute home from work. I came up with a 20-step* National Plan for Victory.

  1. First, the U.S. government will pay me $10 million. Considering the amount of corruption, war profiteeering and outright thievery occurring now in Iraq, paying me $10 million is an outright bargain. A steal, you might say, except in GOP terms, $10 million doesn't amount to petty theft. $10 million is such a bargain, I might have to reconsider step 1.
  2. The U.S. puts $9 billion into my Swiss bank accounts. Using Coalition Provisional Authority accounting methods, the money will not be considered a payment. It will simply "disappear." You might ask - if you're an unpatriotic pagan heathen who burns the flag to light your marijuana cigarettes on Christmas day - how giving me money will solve the problems in Iraq. The answer is simple: it won't.
  3. We change the name of Iraq to "Wyoming." Almost no one knows where Wyoming is on a map. The same holds true with Iraq. This will give Iraqis American citizenship. It will also lead Bush and Karl Rove to believe the lives of Iraqis are really important because Wyomingians Wyominites Wyomingers citizens of Wyoming are predominantly Republican.
  4. U.S. troops will have to be pulled out of combat in Iraq Wyoming because of posse comitatus.
  5. Wyoming Gov. Dave Freudenthal will now be known as Gov. Achmad Freudenthal. U.S. Rep. Barbara Cubin has to spend time in her Falluja office to deal with constituent complaints.
  6. Wyoming's population will increase to the point that it deserves representation in the Electoral College.
My plan might appear outrageous, but it makes just as much sense as the plan unveiled by President Cheney Bush. Next week I unveil my plan to solve the conflict between Israel and Palestine with a large parcel of land in West Texas, nitrous oxide, Sharpies and duct tape, a plan that is remarkably inspired by the electrical wiring work I've done in the basement. *I used GOP accounting methods in writing my plan. If there's a deficit of steps in my plan, I'll just cut more numbers. UPDATE: I thought the comment thread was hilarious. There were some snark masters at work.


Blogger protected static said...

You're going to need lots of nitrous... Lots and lots and lots of nitrous.

12/07/2005 11:27:00 AM  
Blogger Carnacki said...

Mmmm, nitrous.

Someone in the comments elsewhere suggested the plan sounded like something out of MacGyver. If only MacGyver truly existed.

12/07/2005 12:56:00 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home