The Mystery of the Haunted Vampire

We've moved! Please check out, the new home for our 'Tales of supernatural horrors!'

Friday, December 16, 2005

Cthulhu declines Canadian politics

As the Canadian visitors have probably noticed, I don't post much about Canadian politics. But after seeing this story I might have to pay more attention. From Vive le Canada:

Conservative leader Stephen Harper stunned media representatives at a Tuesday morning press conference with his statement that he had renounced God and Jesus as, respectively, his Lord and Saviour and intended to form a pact with Satan. Harper told media representatives that the decision had been ‘difficult’ because he, God and Jesus ‘were on pretty close terms for a long time’ adding ‘but, there is no room for sentiment in politics.' The Conservative leader justified his decision by indicating that ‘God just hasn’t been doing a whole heck of a lot for Team Harper lately. I mean, here we are losing an election to a government that makes a Columbian drug cartel look like choirboys and does anyone see God anywhere lending a helping hand?’ Harper indicated he started to consider the Team Harper shake-up shortly after aides informed him that Satan, rather than God, was the source of all earthly wealth and power. The Conservative leader used hockey metaphors to illustrate his points, indicating that to win a game ‘all team members have to show up willing to go the full sixty minutes. Lately neither God or Jesus has shown much interest in getting off the bench and putting a few in the net for Team Harper, so I decided it was time send them down to the minors and put Satan in at center for the power play’. snip ‘Great Cthulhu’, spokes-god for ‘The Great Old Ones’ arose from his horror-shrouded city of R'lyeh deep beneath the Pacific waves to briefly meet with media representatives on Wednesday afternoon. Cthulhu confirmed that Harper had approached the ‘The Great Old Ones’ with an offer for what he termed a 'win-win strategic alliance.' The monstrous entity told reporters that the Conservative deal offered up of the populace of Quebec for consumption or eternal enslavement by the malignant incarnations of evil in return for ‘The Great Old Ones’ support of Conservative candidates in Ontario. Cthulhu indicated the offer 'was certainly tempting' but added that 'a firm agreement had not been reached.' ‘In all honesty’ Cthulhu told members of the media ‘slumbering for uncounted aeons in the watery depths of the Pacific or the blackness beyond the edges of the universe really has a mellowing affect. Sure, in my younger years, I was as hepped up as the next demonic being at the thought of exterminating humanity and casting a veil of eternal darkness over the world. These days though, I’m content to put in a day of golf with Loki, Baal and some other friends and spend a quiet evening at home.
Regardless of the outcome, I hope the pact with Satan does not lead to a change in the Canadian national anthem, one of the finest.


Post a Comment

<< Home